I lost a bit of weight recently while training for a marathon and going vegan for lent. A bit of weight. Not enough to change dress size, but enough for everyone and their mother to suddenly unleash a torrent of uninvited, unwelcome commentary on my weight. This gave me a taste of what is a daily experience for some who have lost significant weight through illness, medication, or non-weight-loss-motivated changes in diet or exercise. I wanted to share my tiny experience of the weight-commentary phenomenon as an explanation, for the commentators, of why weight-related 'compliments' aren't always received positively.
From the day the first person noticed the first centimetre disappear from my waist, and announced it, the commentary annoyed me. Everything from stating the obvious "Hey, you've lost weight!", questions and attempted flattery "How much weight have you lost? You look SO good" to the concerned "Don't get too thin, be careful!". ALL of it annoyed me. It made me feel self-conscious and, ironically, fat.
What annoyed me most about the commentary is that the socially acceptable response to it is "thank you". Despite the fact that I've never publicly, seriously expressed a desire to lose weight, or unhappiness about my body or size (other than my boobs being a pain because big bras are expensive, and my lack of height being a disadvantage at gigs) I'm expected to say "Thanks! Cheers for kindly pointing out an obvious, but subtle, and as far as you know undesired change in my phsycial appearance!". That's the correct response. Not "I have no idea how much weight I've lost, because I'm not trying to lose it, and I don't care enough to own scales because I try pretty hard not to base my self-esteem on my body mass" or simply "fuck off and mind your own business".
I don't want to be rude to people who are trying to be nice, but when someone says "You look good because you lost weight" it upsets me. Aside from the fact that a compliment about looks always rings hollow ("Well done on your genes!"), all I hear is "You looked worse before, when your waist was 2cm wider, and then you'll look bad again if you run less, eat cheese, and the 2cm return. This slightly slimmer sized body is obviously, unobjectively, aesthetically superior to your usual body size. That's what's making you feel good, not any of the challenges & achievements of which this size-change is a side-effect". I hear a depressing echo of the diet and beauty industry's profitable but damaging "THIN = HAPPY/SUCCESSFUL" mantra.
My experience of the weight-commentary phenomenon particularly disturbed me because it reminded me that although most people outwardly object to the THIN = GOOD industry, mourn its effects, and try not to value or judge themselves or others, based on weight or size, we all still do. We do it to ourselves and each other constantly, and unwelcome 'positive' comments can be just as bad as fatty/skinny bullying at perpetuating these attitudes and assumptions.
Thankfully, now I'm putting on weight again (the nightly cheese-feast diet, in case you wondered) the commentary has gone quiet. Once again I can deal with how I feel about my body by myself, on my own terms. When I have negative feelings towards my healthy, average-sized body, I want to get rid of those feelings by trying to change the society that causes me to feel that way, not by changing myself to conform to unrealistic idealised expectations. Sorry if that's all getting a bit preachy. I do celebrate and congratulate people's weight losses or gains when they themselves see it as a goal and achievement, and it makes them happier. Of course no one should ignore weight problems- if it negatively effects your health, or lifestyle, by all means change it! But after experiencing a small taste of the pressure and self-conscious negativity caused by unwelcome weight-commentary, I've realised that there's an attitude out there that needs changing too, and before embarking on unenjoyable diet and exercise regimes, it's worth taking a moment to consider whether our bodies are really the problem.
Please, commentators, think before you 'compliment' others on changes in their body size or shape, unless you know that it will be received as positively as you intended. If everybody could focus on loving their own bodies, for fatter or for thinner, in sickness and in health, and through changes in either direction, I'm pretty sure we'd all be a million times happier.
